Having been married, having gone through the parting, having experienced all the advantages and disadvantages of loneliness, our reader Olga to. claims that life in partnership is more suitable for her. Gestalt therapist Daria Petrovskaya comments on her letter and explains why we sometimes lack a loved one nearby.
Recently,
relations with her husband have been stretched, parting brought pain, but at the same time relief. I learned to enjoy my new position and life alone. But I do not have much of what the partnership gives.
I miss the state of “we”
I never miss myself, but sometimes I really want to return home and see that someone is waiting for me. I am longing for family dinners and joint breakfasts on weekends. I want to be listened to, hugged, made tea or poured wine. I live with a little daughter, and I do not have enough a person with whom you can share my adult experiences.
It is sad to fall asleep alone
Without a man at home, I do not feel safe. I miss and on intimate relationships. When you do not have a loved one, you are either forced to deny yourself intimacy, or agree to random sex. For the sake of physical discharge, artificial relations will never replace a full connection with the one to whom you are in deep feelings.
Not enough hugs
Of course, I have a daughter and we constantly hug her, but I would like a loved one to be nearby. There are not enough evenings when you can sit together, watch movies and hug.
There is not enough stability and security
It’s hard for me to look for a partner. Correspondence, dates with strangers, stretched conversations, a feeling of awkwardness exhaust and do not bring satisfaction. In a constant relationship, this stage has already been passed, because you have found a loved one, the one with whom you can plan the future.
I admit, neither my self -sufficiency, nor a sober understanding that in relations with my ex -husband can no longer fix anything, can save from longing for proximity and partnership. I read how important it is to be happy in itself, but I know what wonderful relationships can be. I believe that we are deceiving ourselves when we claim that living alone is as beautiful as with a loved one.
“Self -sufficiency is born in a relationship”
Daria Petrovskaya, gEstalt-therapist
The heroine speaks of a sense of security that was given a relationship. But security in the direct sense – there is where to live and there is confidence in the future – it provides herself and her daughters. It is more about the emotional shortage of proximity.
Solo’s life suggests that we take responsibility for our actions and look for ourselves, how and with whom to satisfy our own needs. In a relationship, it often appears to transfer part of the problems into a partner. But he also wants to do the same. So conflicts and co -dependent relationships arise.
Do not forget that we and only we must figure out what we lack, and tell the partner about our needs. In this sense, the life of solo does not differ much from life in a pair, since it does not relieve loneliness associated with misunderstanding between people.
Self -sufficiency is born in a relationship. It is based on mutual respect and is connected with the need to recognize each other’s needs, to look for a compromise. Then, instead of “I can’t live without you,” “I can without you, but I want to try with you”. Instead of demanding and waiting for something from a partner, we study with curiosity both him and ourselves, strive to understand and accept.
And the problem is not to choose between loneliness and life in pairs, but that old attitudes: getting married, giving birth to children, be sure to marry – they are no longer relevant, and new ones are only formed.
Previously, marriage seemed to women a guarantee of security. But this belief gave rise to many fears and injuries, the lack of equality often led to violence. Today a woman is able to protect herself, and a man is no longer afraid of everyday difficulties. In the end, you can always pay cleaning and order food at home.
Therefore, many are wondering: is it necessary at all? And if so, then are we ready to look for our own, suitable for our pair, the form of proximity?